addendum

So. 

It just got to me and I've decided I'm going to issue an ultimatum tomorrow. 

I really don't need this shit to ruin my weekends and my self-confidence. 

Even after updating a colleague about the plans, it still hits me - feelings of doing badly, of being lousy and shitty. I'm not sure if it's just me being too introspective sometimes. Or too sensitive. Maybe I need to develop thicker skin. Maybe, even hire one of those life coaches to boost my confidence! 

That being said, people won't understand what I'm going through so I'm going to have to just make the best of it myself. 

Doubts

First off, that case isn't doing well. And it's somewhat uncovering some difficulties with deciding when to let a case go, vs negatively affecting reputation, vs having that recurring income. If you ask me, honestly, I would let it go and opt for better sleep and quality time. The crux lies in how to do that gracefully. 

Met up with friends and previous colleagues over the weekend. Once again, the doubts before leaving came flooding back in full. Was it premature? ("It's too late now, I've made the jump so you either keep swimming or drown" I keep telling myself). And of course, listening to what's happening to the community at large is always useful and sometimes insightful, but one particular conversation just got me almost into panic mode. It just brought on paranoia, fear and doubt. And of course, having someone letting slip things like "not enough experience" sets you thinking too. 

Not for the last time in my life, I've looked back and thought, "what a horrible career path to choose". But what else would I have done then? 

Sometimes I wish I had more than just blogging to find solace in. I'm actually scared of sharing such inner thoughts to just about anyone. 

A new start .. and a journey of self-discovery

Ok .. for some reason, I find myself coming back to blog. I guess things have to go somewhere in writing. Self-therapy, maybe? 

On this note, it seems like no one's really blogging much anymore. At least, not in the blogger sense. Maybe too many have migrated to platforms like Wordpress? Even their old blogger app had disappeared! And here I am, still stuck here. Not that I'm unfamiliar with Wordpress; heck, my entire website was built on Wordpress. Being stubborn maybe? 

Anyway, it's a new journey for me which started 3 weeks ago. The transition was incredibly difficult, and so was the decision. There was a lot of self doubt (still is) and worries. It bugs me that I may have left prematurely. That I don't have the heaps of accolades that some other people do, before they leave. Or the experience. I still doubt my abilities at times, or if I should have done things differently. Patients still worry me, to the extent that my sleep gets affected. I worry about them not getting better, about maybe being a disappointment, about letting down physicians that place the well-being of their own patients in my hands. There's quite a bit of self-esteem problems there! And that's just the professional part of it - then there's the staffing issues (more on the whole saga later), and of course the usual struggles that new startups go through. 

On the other hand, there's been fun. It's refreshing to actually have fun colleagues, and (almost) absolute autonomy in decisions. Time is a lot more flexible too.  And each time we end up contacting anything/anyone remotely institution-related, all the memories come flooding back. Like, how can people stay so unhappy for so long, and feel that it's actually normal? We do have a word for that - usually historically applied to people we treat, but more and more I'm seeing this from a fresh pair of eyes - and that's "institutionalized"..

Some people have noticed a change in me, a little brighter, a little more energetic. But even as I leave behind the chains of institutionalization, I'll have to be frank with myself that it's going to be quite a journey ahead. Of grappling with my self-doubt, of practicing what I preach when it comes to worrying, of trying to be more sociable again, of learning to be better both professionally and personally. I guess I'll be writing more here then.